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Chapter 9- A Second Father

Sometimes the possibility for good fathering seems hopeless. The unconscious generational betrayal in our society continues to this moment. Blind men seem to lead blind men. Blind fathers lead blind sons. Where are the older men who can see? Is there only one roll of the dice in the father game? Is there only one game? I believe not.

In a sense, a man never stops looking for a good father. He is looking for someone to reflect his maleness in a positive way. He is looking for a champion, a guide, a wise coach, the manager in his corner, the scout who can tell him what's around the next bend. We all need someone to walk with us before we have to walk alone. We are not hardwired to be mature men. We are hardwired to look for men to prepare us for manhood.

A Second Chance

As I have mentioned, I believe the age of the father in modern society extends until a man is in his mid-30's. These are the 'tweens', between childhood and adulthood, that goes from adolescence through the age 30 crisis. This is the time of the strongest father hunger. Men try to fill that hunger in different ways. Most men fill the hunger by identifying with the patriarchy and its values as the only substitute for the missing father.

David Ray, an English professor, wrote an autobiographical article in the New York Times called The Endless Search. He talked of the fatherless boy who "is ever seeking his lost father or the replacement who might stroll into his world." He continued, "Back in the 40's I began my own list of potential fathers- and by father I mean not bearer of seed but bestower of human kindness and companionship, a man with some flicker of interest in a boy's future. My father had seldom shown me that special attention before he got a ride west, leaving my mother, my sister, and me without a clue for many moons." He concludes that "By the time one reaches senior citizenship, the list is staggeringly long." David ultimately couldn't find a father any better than bartenders "who offered a home as good as I'd ever had, and booze to numb the pain."

In the traditional family fathers are usually exhausted by the time sons become teen-agers. The patriarchal father role takes a great deal out of a man without giving much back. In many ways the patriarchy uses and abuses most men, including our own fathers. For this reason Warren Farrell calls men the disposable sex. In the role of protectors and providers men give their all in the marketplace for their family. They often have nothing left for their sons, even when they start to realize they neglected their sons to begin with. In addition, fathers, who love their sons dearly, are at a loss as to how to help their sons in other than traditional ways.

Yet, how does a man, today, get the fathering he needs to go the next steps. How does a son find the energy and motivation to leave the world of the mother, where he is obsessed with either addiction or finding the right woman. Must he be on an endless, disappointing search?

There are alternatives to this dark situation. Men of any age have a second chance. There are ways to absorb the positive fathering energy we need from men who have something to give. There are men out there who can give what we need. They can become, for a while, our second fathers. They can take us farther down our path, where our exhausted fathers could not. We can find the masculine energy we need to strengthen us for the coming ordeal. For the ordeal comes, bidden or unbidden. Second fathers know the ordeal. They have the power to prepare us.

Mentor

The key to understanding good fathering is the motivation of the father. A good, initiated father will be focused on the growth of the young son. As opposed to the competitive father, the good father will need nothing from the son to make him a man. As we will see in the characteristics of a mature men, a good father is interested in the welfare of the next generation rather than his own welfare. He has found his manhood. He is not looking helplessly for an unreachable traditional manhood, to the detriment of his son. Neither is he trying to find his manhood by vanquishing his son.

Finding a mentor is one way to get the right fathering. Mentoring is a process of an older man taking a younger man in his protection and interest, and teaching him the ropes. It is a term that is usually used in the business world, especially for young executives. It is also a term that is being used increasingly in the volunteer movement when talking of older men helping poor urban youth. General Colin Powell has come out strongly to lead American efforts in helping fatherless young men get the fathering they need through mentors. Mentoring is found whenever an older man takes an interest in a younger man without dark, narcissistic motives. As Sam Osherson says, "For many young men, mentors truly become the better fathers they yearn for."

Daniel Levinson says that one of the main tasks of the novice adult, age 17-33, is to find a mentor to guide him. The mentor fosters the young man by believing in him, helping to discover the newly emerging self in its newly discovered world. According to Levinson, the mentor is usually several years older, a person of greater experience and seniority in the world the young man is entering. Most often the mentoring relationship develops in a work setting, but is not confined to the work area. The relationship is often intense. Levinson calls it a "love relationship".

Even if a man has had good enough fathering, the mentor can act as a transitional figure from the world of parents to the world of adults as peers. In this way he prepares a man for the coming of the elder and the claiming of his full adulthood. The mentor is a mixture of parent and peer. In a way he starts the separation from father. In another way he completes the work of father.

Most mentoring needs to come from men who have already accomplished their goals. Mentors need to participate in the grandfather, or old man, archetype. Traditionally grandfathers have retired from the world of the marketplace. They are at another stage of life, closer to the detachment that good fathering needs. They are closer to the other side.

Archetypally, sons and grandfathers have a natural connection because both are closer to the other side, the wilderness place where spirit and death also reside. The son has newly emerged from the land of death, through birth, and the grandfather is preparing to go back, through death. This closeness to spirit and death really symbolizes detachment from the everyday marketplace world, and the temptations of the competitive father.

In a sense we are all looking for a 'grand' father. A mentor can fill that role. But first we have to be humble. I am thinking of an old Zen story about a proud man coming to a monk for guidance. The monk invited him in for tea. As the monk poured the tea into his guest's teacup the tea overflowed the cup and still the monk continued to pour. Finally the proud man asked why he continued to pour. The monk stated that the proud man was like a full teacup. The monk could not fill him with his wisdom before the man emptied himself of his own righteous opinions.

If a man will be open to a mentor he must look for a man who has the qualities he wants to learn. Usually these are marketplace skills or talents that serve a higher purpose. The primary link between a mentor and a mentee is the love of the skills the student is trying to learn. The love of these skills will be what draws the two together in the first place. However, a good mentor teaches his skills as a way of preparing a man to find his own unique direction. It is usually a mentor or a good father who will notice and point out the peculiar talents a man has. A good mentor will point a man in the direction of his gifts and not necessarily toward where he will achieve success in the world.

I am reminded of the movie, The Karate Kid. Mr. Miyagi is drawn out of compassion to the young boy who is fatherless and devoid of marketplace skills. He has no ulterior motive other than the call of generativity. The boy is drawn to Mr. Miyagi because he wants to learn his considerable skills at martial arts. Later, he continues to be drawn by his mentors sense of peace and quiet confidence. In the process of learning these skills the boy learns to develop confidence in his talents and in himself. The boy learns he is capable of focusing on a worthy goal that involves his gifts. He learns that he can respect himself. He does not learn his life direction yet, that will come from his ordeal. But he has found the confidence and learning base to face his initiation.

A mentor is usually not a boss, for bosses too easily become competitive fathers in our patriarchal society. Most bosses are forced to use their subordinates for their own gain, mostly for the security of their own job, because of the corporate culture they live in. They have a hard time being interested in the well-being of their 'sons'. They have a hard time finding pleasure in the skills of someone who may surpass them. Sam Osherson talks of the process of cannibalism, where one generation "may cannibalize another by stealing its energy, its ideas, and often, literally, what it produces." In seeking a mentor a man must not be naive about cannibals, substitutes for competitive fathers.

Another disinterested man in a corporation can be a mentor. An older man in the same field can be a mentor. Older men who have successful marriages can be a mentor for purposes of learning about healthy relationships.

There is an old Zen expression, "When the student is ready the teacher will come." The problem with most men is that we are taught to be competitive with other men so are not open to mentoring. We are not open when a mentor appears. We are taught to be better than other men, not to admit our weakness and ask for help. The modern training manual assumes pride not humility. This manual assumes control not submission. The dark patriarchy admits few mistakes, for mistakes are a sign of weakness. We are not taught to be ready for a good teacher. We are taught to be suspicious of an older man wishing us good. We feel unnaturally uncomfortable asking for help. I say unnatural because it was the most natural thing in the world for thousands of years for a man to look for a mentor.

Probably the most available mentors for the wider role of second father are those in the helping professions such as counselors, social workers, psychologists, pastoral counselors and spiritual directors. Today, there is also a new field composed of business coaches and consultants that try to move beyond just nuts and bolts to fostering growth of personality and character. There are also executive volunteer organizations, composed of retired successful businessmen, who have something to give without needing status in return. These mentors can help a man to find his gifts, negotiate the web of corporate or institutional relationships of the workplace, and prepare a man for the pain and wonder of his ordeal.

Don came into my office overwhelmed at his job at the IRS. He came from a family with a much older, absent father and a depressed mother. Don was naive about life and embarrassed to admit it. He was having a lot of trouble with his job. He was overwhelmed with the world of the marketplace. He was very knowledgeable of the technical world of tax law. Yet he found himself fuzzy in figuring out the tax implications in the cases he had to review. He would sometimes become paralyzed by the complexity of his cases even though he was quite intelligent.

It turns out Don was overwhelmed by the idea of confronting older men who had questionable IRS returns. He was unsure of his ability to be right in the face of their denial. He found himself caught between his confusing job and his fear of embarrassing himself in front of father figures. Don had little grasp of the work world, the differing corporate cultures, and how to perform his job confidently. Don needed help from me in fathering him on the realities of corporate culture. 'Culture' became the humorous code word for the ropes he needed to learn. He needed permission from a father figure to question the patriarchy of older men. He needed a second father to recognize his talents and bolster his confidence.

In my counseling practice I often find that I have to do second fathering, first, in helping a man find a healthy way of being in relationship or marriage. Men are invariably still in the midst of separating from Mother when they come to counseling. This separation, or lack of it, takes up so much of their emotional energy that they have little to give toward finding their marketplace journey. Often their confidence is being undermined by an unsuccessful relationship. Second fathering helps a man to balance his emotional life more toward his individual journey leading to Ordeal. Good fathering reminds him that his manhood does not reside in the direction of the mother's world.

Older men who are genuinely interested in the welfare of younger men are out there. Invariably they have gone through their own ordeal and have found their deeper values. They have separated from the patriarchy and are no longer motivated to use younger men. They have a lot to give even though they might not even realize it. Younger men need to find the humility to look for them. Society needs to create ways of making a mentor relationship a normal part of a man's growth.

Pseudo-initiation

One of the most important functions of a good father and mentor is to protect and educate young men on the pseudo-initiations that occur during this novice adult period. Most men in their 20's are so hungry for fathers and the bridge to manhood that they jump into the pseudo-rituals of manhood that our society has to offer.

Marriage is one such ritual. I have counseled so many men who have married in their early 20's because that was expected. This ritual allowed them to seemingly become a new man, even though the young man felt no change inside. The hunger for manhood was strong. Unfortunately marriage is not a rite of initiation. It does not produce men. As we will see marriage in mature cultures was the right of a man only after initiation. A modern good father bears this message.

Sam Keen relates a story that illustrates this point, as well as the power of a mentor. Sam had just gone through a divorce after a long marriage. Another relationship with a young woman was also falling apart. He was, at that point, also starting another love affair "to heal the wounds of a failed romance." He was going through the Great Separation with all the pain and confusion that entailed. He was obviously being pulled back to another WOMAN, albeit a young one. He was desperately in need of good fathering to bring him his next steps.

He was eventually brought low and forced to the humility needed for openness to a mentor. As he wrote, "My life was coming apart at the seams." His mentor was Howard Thurman, a college professor who was "a friend for 25 years, a grandson of a slave, mystic, philosopher." Howard gave him advice at that time that Sam felt was the best advice he ever got. Howard talked of two questions a man must ask himself. The first is "Where am I going?" The second is "Who will go with me?" Howard then emphasized "If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble". Howard was a true second father.

Another pseudo-initiation that a good father and mentor needs to warn about is the early temptation of a high paying job. When I was in my 20's the goal was 30 by 30: a salary of $30,000 by age 30. By the late 80's it was to have a salary that doubled your age. I've lost track of what this pseudo-initiation has become today. The money itself is not really the problem here. Money is amoral. The problem is that this standard of manhood is the opposite of what initiation is all about.

One goal of initiation is to find a work that has inherent meaning and satisfaction. The pseudo-initiation of a manhood standard of salary minimizes any sense of meaning or identity. This high-priced act of pseudo-manhood will never give a man the feeling of manhood from the inside out. A good father will recognize gifts and talk of the skills needed to survive in the marketplace. However, he will already understand the false standards of success in the patriarchy. He may have succumbed to them at one time himself and learned better. He will emphasize the need for matching training to talent. He will disprove the illusion that the paycheck will prove his worth. Knowing the marketplace, the good father will also know that for most men who have been initiated the money will follow in abundance if they choose from their initiatory calling.

It is easy to pick out men who are looking for manhood in their net worth. In one way or another they will mention either how much they make or how much they spend. These men are trying their best with the fathering they have gotten. They are being fathered by the patriarchy and their own patriarchal voice. They are victims of pseudo-initiation and need the support of men who know another way.

Second Fathers

The rise of men's groups in this country is a major sign of the father hunger that grips so many men in this country. I believe that men's groups that are formally or informally part of the men's movement are one of most important ways that men can get the healthy father energy we need. For a men's group, as a whole, can give a man much of what a birth father has missed.

Men's groups can be professionally led, structured by a men's organization like the Mankind Project, or leaderless yet coherent meetings formed by a number of men committed to each other. Some have gone for as much as twenty to thirty years with some men coming and others leaving. There are many men's groups listed on the men's sites on my links page.

Most men feel an immediate resistance when considering joining a men's group. This feeling is a testament to our modern father culture that divides men through the dark philosophy of social Darwinism whose message is compete or die. Men are taught to immediately armor themselves in a warrior mode when meeting another man. Then the hierarchical dance begins with each man measuring where he can stand in the pecking order, as in whose pecker is bigger. This is not a situation that leads to trust or vulnerability or hope of any support.

However, 95% of the men's groups I have heard of are living out a totally different men's culture. Within them is a sense of brotherhood. In groups like this men become like loyal, caring brothers, even in loving confrontation. The group as a whole seems to create a father space, generating the healthy masculine energy men are looking for. Most men feel this connection soon after joining a group.

In my experience a new man in a group first experiences healthy father energy by feeling a validation of his masculine way of experiencing the world. Men who have not escaped the dark mother world often believe the criticism of their masculine way of feeling. Since emotions in this world are considered the domain of women, men continually feel their emotions are somehow invalid. They are deemed either shallow, uncaring, aggressive, disconnected or a number of other negative judgments. If men are not supported and recognized for their natural masculine feelings they are left only feminine feelings, or they feel guilt for their own healthy masculine ones. No wonder men tend to numb out at this choice. When I have seen men being recognized and supported in their feelings I invariably see a profound sense of relaxation and gratitude come over a man, that is after the shock wears off! Father wounds start to heal at this point. The boy inside starts to smile.

Another way that men get fathered in a men's group is by the group championing each other. This goes beyond support. As men get to know each other they pick up on the strengths and talents of each other. In reflecting these talents back, especially marketplace skills, the group invariably works on bolstering a man's confidence based on their own experience. I have seen so many men take risks in following their talents and dreams as a result of their brothers acting like a championing father.

Of course there is also healthy confrontation. Men in the group have to be ready to confront each other when they feel one of them is taking a detour off their path. This is especially true when a man regresses back to former unhealthy behaviors or attitudes. Confrontation, though, does not have to be aggressive or demoralizing as in the patriarchy. Like a good father's admonition it can be firm but caring.

The greatest risk a man will take in his life is in facing his ordeals, the times of intense inner transformation. In helping a man face his painful separations and his biggest fears a men's group also performs its greatest service.

Our Invisible Sons

Have you ever given yourself a pep talk trying to give yourself the confidence and the motivation to do a good job? Have you ever wondered who is talking to who? Doesn't it feel like a coach talking to a player, or a boss talking to his team, or a championing father talking to his son. This may be the closest you have felt to connecting with the boy inside. And the closest you have come to being a second father. Think about it.

We all have an invisible boy inside. He could be any age. He is often unfathered. He is like a relative we know very well who has been orphaned. He has been with us since we were his age. He is with us today. And he needs our help.

This invisible boy is in great need of fathering to make up for any fathering he has missed. He is still looking for a father. He is actually that part of us that we feel when we have that present father yearning. He shows up often in our lives, actually trying to get our attention, our father energy. Yet most of us feel shame when he comes, for he is only a boy and he feels and acts like a boy. And he makes us feel so small.

So we orphan him gain and again. We are ashamed of him because he brings feeling of boyish fear, or childish anger, or hopeless infatuation. He is the boy who finds it so hard to leave his mother for fear of not being taken care of. He is the one who feels small and powerless in the face of a critical father. He is the one who gets into a rage when his plans don't work out and he feels humiliated. He is the one who makes a wife into a mother, a boss into a father, the world his center stage.

This boy is in continual need of a second father. But first he needs to be seen. He needs to become visible. Then he needs to be taken seriously and loved. When this happens he will be ready for the healing that second fathering can bring.

He shows up most often when we are weak and regressed. Regression is a psychological term that refers to anyone unconsciously sliding back into old behaviors and attitudes that we have had growing up. They are often states of mind that are inappropriate for a present situation because they are seen from a child's perspective. The resultant behavior is at best ineffective, at worst seriously destructive.

As John Lee says in his wonderful book Growing Yourself Back Up, "when we regress, we go from clearthinking adults to talking, acting, and sometimes even looking like children who are not getting their way." He goes on to say, "we feel powerless and out of control." This sense of being small and weak is the most powerful sign that the inner boy has shown up and he is scared.

Sometimes this boy is carrying a trauma that is so painful he is terrified a lot of the time. Sometimes he is suffering the feeling of invisibility and powerlessness of being ignored much of his life. Sometimes he is so angry at his treatment he lashes out violently, with a boy's rage and a man's body.

Regression is both a tragedy and an opportunity. The tragedy is that a boy shows up who has been hurt and unseen for many years. He is lost and in pain. The opportunity is that the boy shows up to be fathered and healed. I have been talking in this book about the boy inside who has a hard time leaving the mother's hut. I have talked about the boy inside who follows the patriarchy because of his father hunger. I have talked of the father wound. This is the boy who holds to the mother. This is the boy who holds the father wound.

Refathering

I mention regression because there is another major way a man can get the good fathering he needs. And regression is the way that most men come to meet the boy inside. By a new way a man more consciously gives the boy inside the fathering he needs. This way has been championed effectively by John Bradshaw. It is called inner child work. Much of this is outlined in Bradshaw's book, Homecoming.

This work involves dealing directly with the boy inside. It is possible be a good father to ourselves by a process that Bradshaw calls reparenting, and I like to call refathering. We can consciously get good fathering by being a good father. This work takes as much effort as parenting a biological child. The boy inside needs as much attention and education as any child. The work involves taking a step that seems 'crazy'.

Remember when I talked of the voices inside our head and the self talk that goes on so normally. Well, the boy inside has a voice, too, that has been speaking for a long time. This voice tells us his needs and desires, as well as his fears and insecurities. Most of us do not hear or recognize the voice because we weren't taught there was a voice, or a boy. Yet the boy is there and he is us. And the boy is suffering from a father wound. He actually carries the pain of our father wound.

When I start working with a man in counseling I immediately start working on understanding and setting boundaries. If a man can start setting boundaries I know he is prepared to start his initiatory journey. He has enough strength to start separating from the mother object. I know he is then ready for second fathering. My next step invariably is to help the man get in touch with the boy inside. This boy needs to be fathered through several stages before the man is ready for ordeal. Reparenting is a crucial way to get that fathering.

I encourage men to contact their boy inside by starting a dialogue. In this dialogue there are two speakers. One speaker is the man as adult and concerned father. The other speaker is the boy. The dialogue should be written at first. Like a play, one line will be the father, the other will be the son. I ask the man to start by asking the boy a question. Then I ask the man to imagine what the boy wants to say, what he wants, what he feels, what he needs and write down those imagined words. Then the man, as father, answers this boys needs or feelings as he would his own son.

This dialogue always feels very artificial at first. The boy's voice, as it is written, feels made up rather than natural. However, the dialogue becomes very real quite soon because the boy inside does come out. I didn't create him for purposes of this book. He's there. He's real. He's hardwired inside. He's an archetype, the puer aeternas, the boy inside we have been talking about all along. He carries our life experience as a child and bears our childhood wounds. He's the part of ourselves that will always be a child. He's the part that takes over, at times, in inapproriated situations. He's the part that gets addicted, dependent, rageful beacuse of his hurt. He needed an understanding father back then. And he still needs us today.

John Bradshaw encourages letter writing to open the dialogue. He instructs the man or woman to write a letter to the wounded child who is the age they are working on. The letter should tell the child all the things a child needs to hear but often doesn't.

John Lee calls this awareness of the boy inside, especially when he takes over our feelings, conscious regression. It's tough to be aware that we can act immature and childlike at times. It's tough to let ourselves realize that we have had a temper tantrum or a moment of dumb remarks or a sense of boyish powerlessness. We're supposed to always feel like a man. It's tough to realize we often feel like a young boy, especially under stress. Yet conscious regression can be a gateway to healing and empowering that boy. Regression is normal. Conscious regression turns potential crisis into opportunity.

The movie Back To The Future gives some idea of the kind of psychological parenting that needs to go on in reparenting. The movie starts out in normal time but quickly moves to a different time. Again, this is the sign of mythic or psychological time, the time of the other side. This is the seemingly 'crazy' time of the inner child, the world of the inner life.

In the movie the young son of an inept, absent father goes back in time to the adolescence of his own father. Here he contacts his father as the adolescent he was. The only difference here from reparenting is that the son reparents the father's inner child. Otherwise the similarity gives a strong flavor of the process and goals of reparenting.

The young, adolescent father in the past, called George McFly, is clueless. He has few social skills, no hint of how to set boundaries with other boys or girls, no recognition of his talents, only his fantasies to console him. McFly has only Biff, the town bully, to get any fathering from. And Biff is an abusive, competitive father who uses McFly for his own purposes.

Along comes the son, Marty, from another time in the future. In order for Marty to have a happy life and actually survive, he needs to change his father. Marty has heard regularly that no McFly has amounted to anything. He has been called a slacker "just like his father." By expereincing his father's adolescence Marty starts to understand his father better, in turn understanding his own life. His understanding brings compassion for his young father, his father's inner child.

So Marty actually goes about mentoring his father as adolescent, especially in the area of relationship and boundary setting. He teaches, encourages, respects. Eventually McFly gets enough confidence to set boundaries with Biff in a very forceful way, as he goes after the woman he loves. McFly also starts respecting his own talents and dreams as a science fiction writer due to Marty's recognition and encouragement. McFly's second father, Marty, has given him confidence and self-esteem.

Back to the present, the father is shown to be a happy, confident, successful man because of the intervention with this inner child. He is a sucessful science fiction writer. He has the respect and love of his wife. This is the goal of all inner child work. All inner children, like the movie, are still living in the past and are stuck there. Reparenting allows us to go back to that time and heal that child. The results have instant reverberations in the present. As the liberated George McFly says, "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything."

This movie grabs one psychologically because of the implications of second chances, healing of past wounds, and finally getting the fathering needed. I have talked to so many men who say that it's no use worrying about the past, forget it , move on. Their problem is that they have not been taught the inner life. They are stuck in the very place they want to forget, the past. As the movies shows, it's never too late to change the future, or the past. Second fathers bear that message.

The Youngest Boy

There are different issues that come up when starting a dialogue with the boy inside and learning to understand him. The issues that come up help identify what child we are dealing with. There are three ages that I have found most prevalent. One is the boy who is under 6 years old. The other is the 6-12 year old. The third is the adolescent of 13-16, like McFly in the movie. The ages are approximate and can vary from man to man. The issues are more universal.

First, the youngest boy. A man who has just been forcefully separated from a mother object is in emotional crisis. He is dealing with the under 6 year old boy. The boy who is under 6 is in need of the type of fathering that keeps in mind that the boy still has some mothering needs. This boy is usually frightened and in need of reassurance that he will be taken care of physically. He needs to know he will have enough to eat, will be kept warm, will be protected from aggressive adults, will not be left alone. This is the boy who holds our abandonment fears, and is terrified at the thought of not being close to mother. Abandonment is this boy's issue. Desperate loneliness is his strongest feeling when he is not romantically connected to a woman.

The youngest boy inside will naturally look for this reassurance from an outside woman as mother object. His greatest fear is being alone. He doesn't realize that a good father can nurture and protect him, too, in the situation he is in. He doesn't realize that he has gotten the mothering he needs, and that his happiness now lays elsewhere. The good father starts the process of the boy connecting with other good men, while transitioning the connection from an increasingly regressive mother object.

Most men going through the Great Separation find they have great, terrifying abandonment fears. Their fears seem so irrational and unmanly. And they are. The man is really experiencing regression to the youngest boy in all his fears and desperation, his intense abandonment feelings take control over all others. Others who observe wonder how a man could get to such a level of dependency on a woman. They can't see the terrified boy inside. They don't realize that this boy/man never had help in the natural process of separation. They don't realize that part of this man was never able to move on from mother.

For most men, this crisis is the first time they have felt this child so clearly. Once they are introduced, the bond can be emotional and effective. Once the reality of this boy is experienced, a man finds compassion for himself he didn't know he had. This is not the "feeling sorry" for himself that most men despise. This is not self pity. This is the beginning of a true sense of love for self embodied in the love for this defenseless child. This compassion is also the foundation for future self-esteem.

Greg was a very compassionate man until it came to himself. Then he could be self-critical and feel totally useless, a victim of the Vader voice. Greg grew up with a depressed mother and an abusive, competitive father. He was going through a divorce when he came for counseling. He was feeling intensely lonely. He knew that divorce was the best thing, but he couldn't control the desire to go back to a bad relationship. Like many men, his loneliness was overwhelming his better judgment, a sure sign of the youngest child.

Greg was very surprised when I told him he was probably feeling the same loneliness he felt when he was very young and couldn't get his mother's attention or nurturing. He was more surprised when I told him that the young boy was still inside at the present moment and was feeling the double hurt of past and present abandonment. He listened carefully when I explained that the child needed his attention, or that child's feelings would probably force him to go back to his wife for attention.

After much hesitation he was willing to try to contact that young boy in his own compassionate way. Greg started a dialogue with the youngest child. This child will usually not speak very much at first. Remember, the young boy has been there one's whole life, first possibly ignored or mistreated by others, then later ignored by us. In Greg's case a depressed mother had little to give, while his father was running a business that left no time for children.

Greg's child, whom he called little Greg, didn't speak much at first, except to say he was afraid of many men whom Greg was around at work. That was all he could get out of him. I explained to Greg that this was not unusual with the son of a competitive father. He also told Greg he was very frightened of his wife's anger. Later it became clear he was frightened because he feared anger was a prelude to being ignored and left alone. 'Little Greg' was starting to talk and he now had a name.

As the adult 'BigGreg', the second father, started reassuring the young boy inside. He also started hearing random words inside his head like "ice cream cone", "milk shake", "cookie", especially when passing an ice cream stand or bakery. Realizing that this may be Little Greg, he took these words as requests. Greg would stop, if at all possible, at the time he heard the words, and he would order the requests. It was clear what he was to buy. It was also clear that he felt quite satisfied and safe while eating the nurturing food.

Food would seem a small thing, but it symbolized Greg's openness to take care of even the most basic of needs. Greg learned slowly that he could take care of himself and didn't need a mother object to nurture and protect. He would listen for little Greg's fear, especially in the face of his wife's anger, and tell him he was protected and safe. Though he might fear his wife's abandonment, he told Little Greg that he should never worry about being alone and unprotected again.

Greg started to feel a warmth toward himself and his struggles. He could feel a protectiveness toward the youngest boy inside. He could give himself a break, knowing he was balancing old hurts and healing old wounds. He could learn to be alone and feel curiosity about the world about him, not desperation about living in a state of neglect. Greg, the man, learned to see the world with less fear and more hope.

The Middle Boy

The boy inside between 6 and 12 has other issues. While the big issue for the youngest boy is abandonment, the middle boy has issues of recognition and confidence. His needs for fathering concentrates on being recognized for his talents and his competence. This is the boy starting out in school and then the work world.

A good father is the first to recognize a child's gifts, regardless of their connection to the world of work. He also introduces a boy to the joys of following a talent or interest to its fulfillment. Boys at this age are naturally curious and resourceful. They ask many questions about how the world works. They love to experiment and risk. A good father tells a boy what he can do well, as opposed to the patriarchal voice which usually talks about his shortcomings. The good father encourages risk and experimentation, as opposed to the Vader voice that talks of safety and eternal obedience. He upholds a boy's talents or interest even though they might not coincide with his own. In many ways he tells the boy that happiness does not come from following someone else's agenda.

The good father is firm yet supportive. He gives the message that manhood comes with a price tag of risk and pain. Yet this father also models the peace that manhood can bring. In many ways the good father provides a template for manhood that the boy needs until he is old enough to find his own manhood. This father lends his ego strength until the boy has enough of his own.

This middle boy inside is the hardest to contact. He is usually most shy and has little confidence. He tends to hide. He does not want to take risks. He is afraid of making mistakes. He is usually work addicted, but not in a job that holds his interest or uses his talents well. He will take risks within his work addicted role, but he won't risk to go on his own to find his real talents and identity. He often has regressive security and relationship needs from the wounded youngest boy. He is usually filled with shame.

A man who is reparenting this boy inside needs to be like a mentor. He needs to start looking at himself, as he would look at a juvenile boy, in terms of his emerging gifts and talents, not in terms of his marketability. Most importantly he needs to shield the boy inside from the Vader voice. The second father must encourage and see the goodness in each endeavor, not reinforce the negative male chorus inside. Just as the patriarchal voice starts to berate, the second father voice needs to uphold. Just as the Vader voice seeks to unman by criticizing any unpatriarchal role, a good father needs to bestow manhood by recognizing innate talent and vision wherever it leads.

As a counselor I must often interrupt a man when he gets down on himself, or starts to call himself a failure. I must point out to him how he is taking his Vader voice seriously. He is forgetting that this voice comes from somewhere else. He is believing a voice that is really not his own. I must continually remind him to stop and discern which voices are talking. Then I must use the voice of a second father in showing his strengths, gifts, and accomplishments. I especially need to remind him to be gentle, but realistic, with this middle boy. I remind him that this boy, who is hurting, has had too much criticism in his life already. No boy deserves that.

Most men are not in the job that best uses their gifts and talents. Many men are in jobs that don't use their best talents at all. This middle boy of 6-12 holds the key to a man's natural gifts. His interests and enthusiasms start at this time. This is the time when authentic dreams start. If a man wants to find his real calling, he starts with the middle boy.

This is also the time the father wound starts. This is the time that talents go unrecognized and interests go unsupported. This is the time the boy starts to be placed in the patriarchal mold, where alternatives are limited and expectations become a burden. This is the boy who desperately needs a second father.

Dialogue

Once a man experiences the boy and believes in his presence a dialogue can begin. As I've said, this dialogue can be on paper or in one's head. Once this dialogue becomes more natural, the talking can go on at any time and in any situation. The most effective dialogue is around a present situation. Any intense, negative feeling will often come from a wounded boy inside, especially those that seem too strong for a given situation. Dealing directly with that boy and his needs will often calm the negative fears and release positive adult energy.

An example: a man might have negative, irrational feelings about his boss. Though his boss may be critical or too demanding the feelings are overwhelming and spill over into life outside of work. The strong, negative feelings probably come from a wounded child inside. A man might start a dialogue by asking what the boy inside, of any age, thinks of the boss. The child may say that the boss doesn't like him, is actually afraid of him. The boy may say that the boss always puts him down. It may come out that the boss reminds him of his own critical father.

Now the man knows that he is dealing with the middle boy and the issues are around recognition and risk. A conscious man will realize that the boy is experiencing a transference reaction from the father to the boss. Because of transference the boy will then react to the boss as he reacted to his father, which explains an anxiety that takes up his whole world. The boy will feel unprotected and anxious, with no place to turn. Where can an 8 year old boy turn? It is the boy who feels he has no choice but to stay with the only father he knows.

As a result the man's work will suffer because of a crippling anxiety, and a hopeless depression. He will really be reexperiencing feelings of the boy that have been inside for a long time. If a man realizes this irrational fear and where it comes from he can reassure his boy inside that he will be protected. The man, as second father, can remind the boy that he will be taken care of, even if the boss fires him. He will remind the young boy that the boss isn't his father, that he now has a father that won't leave. He will reassure the boy that the man can be fired, not the boy. And the man is perfectly able to find another job. He has choices. He will reassure the boy that he he does have talents, even if his boss won't recognize them.

Over time this kind of dialogue will usually calm feelings down and allow the man to work with much less anxiety and fear. Then a man will be able to more clearly look at his alternatives, and possibly be ready to risk. An uninitiated man would say that this advice to the boy is facile and not realistic in the world today. A man just can't be so detached from his job, especially if he has a family to provide for. Here is the Vader voice again. Here is the voice the man must choose to ignore. Here is the voice the boy inside must be protected from. Surely, a manly caution must be present in any decision. But, most men are more influenced by the boyish fear of the middle boy. And the Vader voice will always take advantage of that fear.

The Second Father Obi Wan

In the Star Wars myth, Luke is stuck in his family's small village. Luke feels he "will never get out of here." His uncle Owen is a well-meaning but uninitiated man. He has taken the place of Luke's father. He is generous. Although it is unclear, at first, how much his uncle is keeping him around the farm to protect Luke, or how much he is using Luke for his own vision. In any case, he is not a second father.

Uncle Owen does not understand Luke or his talents. Neither does he champion Luke's dreams. He unwittingly keeps Luke from his identity by trying to mold Luke into following safer dreams and values. In fact, it is Luke's aunt who tells Owen to "let him go". She recognizes that Luke is not a farmer because "he has too much if his father in him". She is a wise woman and an initiated mother.

Uncle Owen refuses to recognize Ben Kenobe's name, calling him "a crazy old man." It becomes clearer as the story unfolds that Owen is trying to protect Luke from the fate of his father. Owen has decided that he must protect his family by shielding himself and his son from risk and danger. He purposefully lives far from the center of the community. He teaches Luke how to hide. He shows Luke that risk is not worth the rewards. He gives the message that to follow one's inner calling is too dangerous. He shows Luke that initiation is foolish. Uncle Owen is a good man caught in the no-win patriarchy. His message is to fit in and don't make waves.

Luke is rescued by Obi Wan Kenobe, a Jedi master. Obi Wan lives alone, on the same plain, in a humble hut. He is an old warrior and wise man. He is past his prime, yet he is ready to use his warrior talents for the good, especially when asked by the Princess. It is clear that Obi Wan recognizes Luke as having the soul and talents of a warrior. Obi Wan understands Luke. He loves the same things Luke does. This understanding is symbolized by giving Luke his father's laser sword.

Obi Wan starts teaching Luke the ropes of a Jedi warrior. He immediately enlists Luke in a very dangerous mission, not protecting Luke from pain or risk. When Luke balks at the mission, Obi Wan points out Luke's patriarchal voice by simply saying "that is your uncle talking". Obi Wan says that Luke must do what he feels is right.

Luke then experiences the Great Separation. His uncle and aunt are killed. Fortunately, unlike many of us, Luke has a second father right there to get him through that trauma and guide him to his next steps. Luke says he wants to become a Jedi and learn the ways of the Force. This is contrary to the patriarchal society which considers the Force an ancient, defunct religion. This is also contrary to the patriarchal Empire which acknowledges no force above its own. This path is definitely not fitting in.

Luke is moving toward the other side. Obi Wan is there to support him on the journey to that transition, while protecting him from the patriarchal voice. Obi Wan starts to teach Luke what fathers need to teach, all about warrior energy. Fathers need to teach the focus and discipline of energy. They teach how to contain energy instead of dissipating it. Fathers teach skills of reaching goals through enduring inner pain, rather than running from it into addiction. Fathers teach boundary setting, the special skill of the warrior. Fathers teach of the "larger world" and how to negotiate it.

As Luke starts out, he learns immediately about the world of uninitiated men. He finds himself in the most unusual bar in the history of movies. He has not learned boundaries. He is trusting and naive. He almost gets himself killed. Obi Wan does not protect him from the bar by having him wait outside. He does protect Luke from getting killed. All fathers need to lend their sons their strength, until the son finds his own. This is why fathers need to continue to make some decisions for their sons while respecting the son's emerging skill at making his own.

Obi Wan soon starts teaching Luke the skills of the Jedi warrior. He gives Luke a remote to practice with. He counsels Luke to feel the Force flowing through him. He tells Luke to "act on instinct" instead of trusting his eyes. He encourages Luke to "stretch out with your feelings". He gently starts introducing Luke to the inner life, the source of his strength and identity. He encourages Luke by telling him he can do it.

This initiated second father is not only teaching skills, he is pointing to another reality, the other side. Luke will contact this reality through his feelings and instincts. He shows Luke, though Luke does not really understand yet, that there is another reality both within Luke and in the world. Second fathers prepare men for this reality, a reality the patriarchy does not understand.

Ultimately Obi Wan recognizes Luke's unique identity. He does not force Luke to see the world with his vision or to follow him endlessly. Obi Wan does not keep Luke a perpetual son. He does not use Luke for his own purposes. Instead he says to Luke, "Your destiny lies in a different direction than mine."

Obi Wan lets himself be destroyed, a profound lesson of manhood we will take up later. Immediately, he becomes a good voice in Luke's head. He becomes a good father voice to counteract the patriarchal voice. He stays with Luke, reminding him of the virtues of a good warrior. This is one of the greatest gifts a second father gives, his voice that endures in the psyche of the son.

When Luke is about to attack the Death Star he hears Obi Wan's words "use the Force." Luke then turns off his targeting computer. He refuses the rational, the logical, the technological, the patriarchal answer. Instead he goes inside toward a part of himself his second father assures him is there.

The Adolescent

In the course of dialoguing, a man will eventually come into contact with the adolescent. The adolescent will be 13-16 years old. He will still need some fathering during a crisis. However he will be drawn to experimenting with a place far from the father, at the very edges of the village. He will be starting to separate from father. The wise father, as Obi Wan did, will encourage this.

The adolescent, like Luke, will start wondering more and more about the wilderness and the promise that it holds. And he will start looking for brothers and friends as a preparation for his initiation. The next two chapters talk of this adolescent and what his concerns are. As the younger boys inside start to heal, the adolescent's needs becomes stronger. We are coming to the far side of the father's world in adolescence. The adolescent is at the village boundaries wondering about the wilderness out there.

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All chapters of Toward Manhood are archived.

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