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July/August, 2009

Two Fathers

Most serious PTSD reactions in men bring on a great deal of shame followed by either intense rage or paralyzing depression. Both conditions are the result of a feeling of overwhelming powerlessness. Men are not taught to handle this powerless feeling. Powerlessness is the ultimate shame of patriarchal manhood. Keeping a game face seems the only answer to feeling out of control. Addictions can seem the only way to feel in control. The feeling of powerlessness and shame are the two most powerful emotions that keep a man from entering both the Black Hole and, eventually, the Dark Void.

Serious post-traumatic reactions often end in violence, sometimes emotional or sometimes physical, because a strong warrior within feels survival is at stake. Here, the warrior is tricked into extreme reactions under a code red perceived threat. A strong violent reaction to a perceived aggressor seems the only alternative. The destruction afterwards only leads to more shame, and to more triggered violence.

Other times the post traumatic reaction is one of paralyzing shock and deep depression. These emotions can be accompanied by symptoms such as intense anxiety, uncontrollable shaking, unprovoked startle responses, chronic irritability, compulsive addictions, and phobias such as claustrophobia. Feelings of suicide can feel like the only viable option. This is a kind of violence turned inward. The warrior within stops at violent aggression and has no other place besides within to aim the rage and shame. Suicide seems the ultimate numbing.

Serious post-traumatic reactions keep a man isolated, afraid of being hurt by others or afraid of hurting others. The real sign of trauma is a feeling of lack of control over emotional reactions and even behavior. When a man is triggered he feels like another interior being, like a demon, takes over with no warning. His psyche feels commandeered. And it is. The warrior takes over as if it is war. The more serious the trauma the harder and fiercer the warrior must act to protect from unbelievable pain. This is the pain of the boy or young man who had no resources to handle the assault at the trauma time. The warrior's first priority is to protect the boy, both from the past and the present.

The warrior within is not the villain here. Neither is the man who is destructive to himself or others because of PTSD. Here, it is important to look for heroes not villains. The warrior follows his standing orders faithfully until other orders are given. The man is ignorant of this internal command sturcture. Any man who is willing, after learning of this command structure, to consciously face his terror is a hero. Any man or woman who is willing to travel to trauma time with a traumatized man is another hero.

As I described in my last writing, lesser trauma in men can usually be healed by the inner father, the father who embodies the healthy father archetype. In this case the boy inside can be healed because he learns gradually to experience his world from a place of safety and father loyalty. He is able to experience a reality that is different from the trauma imprinted reality of his history. He actually builds new neural pathways of understanding and emotional reaction that do not trigger the brain chemistry of survival.

However, serious trauma needs more work. In this trauma old traumatic neural pathways cannot be bypassed without more intervention. The warrior has created deep, disempowering habits of protection that no longer serve the man. This is where the father of the outer world comes in.

For the healing of serious trauma the boy must consciously go back to the trauma time. A father of the outer world is needed here. In consciously going back the traumatized boy has someone to be there in the fire with him. He has someone to give him resources. His inner father has an ally. The boy now has two fathers. He is no longer alone.

As I have said, this father of the outer world can be a therapist familiar with the inner life of men and the healing of the traumatized boy within. He can be a spiritual director who understands the sacredness of fathering and the dark night of trauma. He can be any man or woman (a woman must really be there with her strong male side) who has gone through initiation and the healing of inner wounds.

Most men will see asking for help as a weakness, feeling terribly disempowed, especially since he already feels the vulnerability of the boy's wounds. If a man already feels powerless in the face of intense traumatic emotion, asking for help can only add to that powerless feeling. The shame can be immense, and paralyzing. This is where the wisdom of the outer father makes such a difference.

When a man finds a father of the outer world he starts the process of healing. The outer father will not be judgmental or critical since he has also been there. What he will do is first diagnose. This word diagnosis comes from the Greek word meaning to understand or know through and through. This father will take the time to deeply understand what the boy has gone through. He will want to understand the boy, the warrior, the inner father, and the emerging man. He will go over the details of the trauma or traumas to orient himself to how and where in time he will accompany the traumatized boy. He will talk about the process and what to expect. Then with permission the journey back will begin.

The outer father accompanies the man back down the personal history trail to the time and place of the trauma memory. The boy will get triggered again with fear and trembling. The past will become the present to him. The intense pain will reemerge. But this time it will be different. Both the outer and inner father will provide the awareness and the safe space for the boy slowly to realize the safe present is the reality he can trust. The warrior, with the inner father acting as king, uses his courage this time to face the fear rather than being tricked into running from it. This new perception also changes the warrior's perception, resulting in a change in brain chemistry from survival mode to focus mode. This desensitization can take a good amount of time and a great deal of courage. But it works.

It is important to know that not every trauma event needs to be dealt with, like picking single apples from a tree. Often there is something called a cover memory that represents in the psyche a bundle of similar memories. Often serious trauma is caused by many regular smaller traumas, such as chronic negelct, rather than a major traumatic event. Trauma work then becomes more like shaking the apple tree with one strong memory, causing others to fall. So the outer father will look for a cover memory that entails and symbolizes a bundle of other traumas. Once the warrior is given permission to step aside, these memories will often surface. Healing the cover memory will often heal many trauma times.

Sometimes PTSD symptoms will exist without any memories of a trauma event. For some reason the memories are locked away in the subconscious. In this case it is essential to know that the trauma can be healed without the conscious memory being accessed. In this case the inner father accompanies the boy as he experiences the PTSD symptoms, again showing the boy the present safety and the enduring protection of the father. In serious cases the outer father also provides protection and some additional tools to help the boy feel safe in the present.

I act as elder when I say that this works. The traumatized boy can be healed. He is no longer a hostage to the past but lives in a vibrant, creative, playful present. He no longer holds the emerging man back from moving into initiation. He is no longer stuck in a Black Hole. This is the natural child that Jesus talks about when saying we must all become like little children.

The ultimate healing, I believe, comes with the changing of the outcome of trauma. Both the inner and outer father show the boy in imagination and reality that he is not stuck in the past, in the Black Hole, and not a victim of his own history. The help of the two fathers turns tragedy, with its attendant hopelessness and imprint of terror, into transformation with its sense of new life and hope. According to the ways of the psyche this could be seen as actually changing the boy's history, freeing the man to change his future.

Next in this series I will talk about the special problems dealing with war trauma. In war nobody who is on the front lines escapes trauma. Even those who help these traumatized men often suffer from secondary trauma.

See previous articles in Trauma Series in Archives

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